I am "fat". I hate feeling "fat" because I know I'm not as fat as I have the potential to be. Yet I am unhappy with the downward spiral that my body has taken. It's all my own fault, I take 100% blame. But I get angry at people who have a genetic predisposition to being skinny. Like my husband. He eats doughnuts and pizza and drinks regular soda and there is not one ounce of fat on his body.
Worse, there is a woman with whom I work who has given birth to SEVEN children, and she is thinner than I am. She was thinner than me two days after giving birth to her SEVENTH child. When asked how she does it, she responds: "Good genes, I guess". Bless her. Bless her and her seven souls that she helped create...and could we please trade abs?
I am in a wedding in two weeks from tomorrow. I have to wear the inevitable bridesmaid dress. I will undoubtedly be the "biggest" bridesmaid in the party. Don't tune me out yet: when the bride has genes on her side, and her sister the maid of honor is a tall, leggy ballerina, there is nothing that the short, squatty, "big boned"/muscular bridesmaid can do but look like a big brown cow in her big brown dress. Awesome.
Okay, okay, I know that you are rolling your eyes right now. Truth is, I will never be fully satisfied with my body image. I look at pictures of myself when I was "skinny", and I even thought I was a fat hog then. We are sick, sick people who live in a sick, skinny-loving, genes-thanking world.
I'm going to have a doughnut now.
2. Children.
I'm going to be frank here: I do not like children.
I do not like the idea of having children.
I especially do not like the fact that my skinny, doughnut-eating husband wants to name our firstborn son, "Phenomenal Larry". It's just not going to happen.
When I was growing up, I had a horrible step-father who believed that children should be seen and not heard.
Now I'm starting to believe in that theory.
I was in my favorite discount department store yesterday, frantically trying to find an outfit for a Vanity Fair/HBO Films party (which, by the way, was lame, and no, I did not find an outfit because nothing fit me quite right. Refer to #1). There was a disgruntled child in the shoes section who was clearly unhappy. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, stopping only to take a huge breath so that he could scream again and display his unhappiness to his mother, the entire store, and, for that matter, the entire shopping center.
At first, the screaming actually didn't bother me, because I was focused on finding that little black dress. When the decibel level reached dangerous heights, and I found myself gripping the clothing on the racks in anger and angst, it was all I could to to keep myself from marching over to the shoe section, grabbing the child (whose face was bright red with snot and tears streaming down it) and beating him. I wanted to BEAT THAT CHILD UNTIL HE HAD SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT.
What is wrong with me?
The point is, the poor child was no worse than any other regular, screaming child in your average store and/or restaurant. The problem with me is that I get high blood pressure even around newborn screaming babies. I can't say I want to beat them (Hello? CPS?), but I want them to shut up. I really do. I can't take it.
To all you mothers out there (especially you skinny ones): God BLESS you. God bless you for enduring nine months of pregnancy (and all the crap that goes along with it: sickness, weight gain, hormonal imbalances, general discomfort {and genital discomfort, yes, Melissa!!}, etc.), for birthing that baby out of your body, for losing sleep, for enduring a suckling babe at your breast every two hours, for wiping poopy butts, for disciplining them (PLEASE, PLEASE discipline your children, people), for every ugly and beautiful thing that motherhood entails.
Thank you for doing what you do so selflessly.
But please do NOT attempt to persuade me into it. Please do not tell me, "Oh, it's soooooo worth it", and "we have so much fun," all while your child is screaming and making a raucous in stores, making me want to beat him.
15 comments:
Hee hee, you're funny.
And THIN! Are you kidding me? You look great. And I know that coming from someone else, it's not the same. But sometimes we will NEVER be satisfied by our own looks. I know that. But I really do think you look fantastic. You have a gymnists body. What are you hoping to look like? The current Jenna Jamison? Pu. Leeeeese.
And I agree with you on the whole baby issue.
And Charlie. Damned skinny effer. One day those regular Cokes will catch up to him and he'll look exactly the same but with cankles.
HA!
Oh, and when you said "general discomfort" I read "Genital discomfort." and laughed out loud. You should change it to say that. Ooh, band name!!
Ahhh, motherly advice.
Of course parents have to say that they're having fun with their children and that they wouldn't trade them for anything. They've got a life sentence. What else are they going to say? It's like when I used to live in a shitty basement suite and say things like "ya, but it's got so much character and there's free parking. It's also really close to a bus stop. It's perfect for me." Frankly, I choose snowboarding every weekend during the season and three weeks in Europe every summer... but that's just me I guess.
Oh... and the weight issue. I get it. COMPLETELY. I am also in a wedding this summer. Everyone there will be friends that taught in Taiwan together 4 years ago. I am 30 lbs. heavier than I was when I was there. Everyone else is the same. Perfect. Oh, and I will be standing up for the bride. I can hear the whispers now "... who is the chubby guy standing with the... oh, that's JESS!"
Go figure... I'm off to get fitted for my tux. Barf.
Ahh les, I love ya! Please love your body or else I am going to send you a video of me, brushing my teeth...naked, and you can watch EVERYTHING jiggle and shake at enormorous, seismic activity levels. Believe me, that will cure you!
As for the babies....I think too many people have children for the wrong reasons, because they're adorable, or they just couldn't wait to dress them in such cute clothes, or they just always knew that someday they would have a little girl named "Lulu Rose." Or whatever other pathetic excuse leads them to believe that they should procreate.
Now especially as followers of Christ, we have to understand that there is only one reason to have children and that is to raise them to be disciples of Christ. Now I also think that God has given us tons of added bonuses along the way and the cute factor definitely plays into it. But it is a serious role that should not be jumped into simply because the clothes at baby gap are "ohh sooo cute!"
All of that to say I think that you would make a great parent, because you take it seriously. But ultimately it is your decision and yours alone my dear friend.
And because I actually chose to have my children, to raise godly men and women to be followers of Christ and upstanding citizens, I am REALLY enjoying it. Is it the hardest job I have ever had? Absolutely. But I HONESTLY cannot imagine doing anything else with my life than raising these children knowing Jesus!
I love you. I love who you are!
Woah.
Leslie, you make me laugh. Good for you for speaking from the heart. Children, children. Yes, God love 'em, they can make you want to slit your wrists and poke your eyes out.
Amy, I don't know, I'd put "making disciples" under the category of "bad reason to have a child." But that's just me.
Les, if you ever suddenly get the itch to make a baby, just come spend time at my house. My two kids will cure you of that, I promise, and get you back on the road to mental health, emotional clarity and sterility.
Les,
Loved this post. I understand the fat part completely and though I am living with the "life sentence" that Jessy speaks of I support your no-children sentiments. I do love my life sentence, to be honest, but rarely anyone else's (well, actually I love Tam's too).
Being pregnant is something like being in purgatory- it sucks and you aren't sure when it ends whether you're getting heaven or hell.
Actually, having kids is also like purgatory.
Anyway, you will probably look much better in the brown gown than you think.
xo
t.l.rice
wow, your comment just made my heart ache with sadness.
It's always interesting to me how somebody who doesn't even know you, can take something that's incredibly important to you and just slam it...
Okay, kids...let's settle down here! I love you all, and I respect your experiences (I'm not going to say opinion, because it's not really that, I don't think...??)
First, the body thing: I know. I roll my eyes at myself, but sometimes I just have to barf emotionally and get mad at my jiggle and then I feel better. I know it's sickening, I do. I know this is the internet. I like attention, though. And every once in a while, I'm going to have a fat day, even if there are people bigger AND smaller than me. I guess I haven't quite grasped the "love your body" thing yet...I'm always angry with it (but does that stop me from eating bad food? Nope!)
As far as the children issue - it's not that I don't want to ever have children. I actually do. Remember that I said I do not like the IDEA of having them...I do not like other people's misbehaved children. I honestly think they seek me out. Like today, in Target, I was buying a car cover (for my BRAND NEW CAR!) and a sniveling, snotty child was throwing a temper tantrum (about what, who knows?!). I ran away from him and his calm (???!) mother, I did. But they kept following me.
Curses.
Anyway.
Charlie and I have come to the conclusion that parenting is effing hard. How you all do it is a wonder. My mother (hi, Mom) would say, "Look around, Leslie. Look at all the people in the world. It can't be THAT hard." (Wait, I think she was referring to the actual BIRTH...)
And, who's to say WHY we really have kids? Is it selfish NOT to have kids, or is it selfish TO have kids (populating the earth with mini-yous...replicating some of your DNA...)
Amy, I agree wholeheartedly with you about the WRONG reason to have a baby - I have heard someone say, "I want to have a baby girl soon so she can grow up to be my best friend." That's so SICK. Aim, you are a wonderful mother and I will always look up to you.
I do get the Biblical duty thing, too...but I think that, for me, timing is everything.
Tam, you're hilarious, too - I must come meet your kids. Pronto. I can't imagine that they would be half as bad as some of the kids I've met lately. HA.
Angie, you are my hero for so many reasons, but in the kid department, you are one of few in my life whose life hasn't stopped completely because she had a baby (or two). Keep it up, Baby Factory.
Spencerose: Thanks for reminding me that you had to call the neighbor to ask what to do with me (at 18 months) and my pink dress with bells in it. I'm not so bad now, am I? Living proof that sometimes kids are maniacs, and there's nothing that the poor parent can really do about it. Thank goodness you didn't take me to the store in that state.
Melissa: Let's go get a drink.
ok, well being labeled as a "skinny bitch" by you I have to say that your "oh me" fat comments are voraciously ignored because believe it or not; you ignite jealously in us. We long for your toned and flexible legs as well as your elegantly ripped arms and your ability to out leg wrestle the entire gentically perplexing smith family.
As far as kids go, there is only one person to blame for your dispostition toward them and we both know who that is.
Ok, my turn to chime in!! We (coming from the Goodwin genes) know why we are truly terrified of having children. They might end up like all of us! =) What a scary thought.
When we are ready to add to the insanity of our family, we will. Until then, who cares what everyone else thinks!!!!
On the fat issue . . . you can always look at me and feel better. Although I am working on it! You will always want to be thinner, prettier, more talented. Just remember that you are gorgeous, quite thin, and the most talented person I know. I love you and think that you are great. By the way, I'm home and it's time to hang out!!!!! June-june!
I hate babies, too. Sometimes even my own. In fact, could you babysit tomorrow night? I've got a fat girl conference to go to.
And Melissa, I read "genital discomfort," too! How is that possible?
OK- I'm weighing in- ha,ha! When you pick up you photo albums 10, 15. 20 years from now you'll wonder...what the hell was I bitching about, "I wasn't fat!" We're all like the bulimic or the "what-cha-macall-it" other ones- I had too many glasses of wine tonight to remember what they're called- to have a real concept of what we really look like. So don't sweat it Honey! You're tops in my book. And piss on the cranky babies, They are annoying! You have my permission to tell those Mutha's to shut them babies up. Now put on that bridesmaid's dress and give'em the Leslie treatment. You've got more happen'in than most will ever hope for!
Love Mother M
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