The Road to Reality

Okay, so I'm back. Truthfully, I've been back and forth from home since December 18th, but I am now officially back.

It sucks.

I'm going to be honest here. I didn't post much while on the road because I was afraid to. I was afraid to post what was really going on...which, in retrospect, wasn't all that much. Eat, work out, do a show, drink, get on the bus, sleep, get up, poo (not on the bus), start the cycle all over again. Of course there were great times and there were hard times but nothing I really felt like talking about over the internet.

But I think I mostly didn't post much because it was THE ROAD. THE ROAD sucks you in, spits you out and leaves you feeling like half a person when reality strikes you. In funny ways. For example: I just got used to having a bank account full of money. Money kept coming in every week. Loads of it. Now, in reality, it's not that much -- I mean, weekly pay is great, but compared to what some of you make, it's peanuts. But for me, well, it was the first time this entire year where I didn't have to worry about money. About every other night Sara (our assistant tour manager) would hand me a twenty dollar bill. My wallet was full of twenty dollar bills. I didn't have to buy groceries, I wasn't driving my car, I didn't have time to go shopping, so I didn't spend any money. I still had to think about bills, but I HAD THE MONEY TO PAY THEM. It was almost FUN to pay bills. "Let's pay them early!" I would shout with glee to Charlie over the phone.

I didn't have to clean anything because I lived in a hotel. I would go to my room and live out of my suitcase but I could squirt toothpaste all over the sink if I felt like it, and someone would clean it up for me. Someone always made my bed. I was a PIG on the road. The contents of my suitcase were always strewn about in the most vulgar manner, and somehow I always managed to stuff it all back in, in record time (so as not to miss the bus).

Every Saturday was like Christmas -- "P.D!!" PER DIEM!! Boom...my wallet was full of several more twenty dollar bills.

My twenty dollar bills are now running dangerously low.

Secondly, and I'm not quite sure when it all started feeling this way, but you become like family with the other people on the road. I made great friends with Sara, who was the only other girl besides me and Julie (the other backup singer). And you also find this weird routine during the day -- I found many ways to kill a few hours before a show. You start really looking forward to those two hours a night where you're actually working, where you remember why you are on the road in the first place. This sounds ridiculous, but magic happens on that stage, and it changes in complexity and balance as each show progresses. Almost like a bottle of wine. Ha.

Anyway. The point of all this is that I am suffering in limbo from the Road to Reality. It's difficult. I am sure some of you will roll your eyes at this post, but unless you've experienced it, you won't get it...it's not for everyone. I never had dreams to be a road musician, but I can tell you that I would definitely do it again and again. It gets easier. It also gets harder, in ways that I'm still trying to process. All I know right now is that I would much rather be backstage putting my false eyelashes on and getting ready to perform for a roaring crowd than be at home preparing to teach a voice lesson. On the other hand, I'm not going to miss the dysfunctional bullshit that comes with the territory...at the same time, it makes it all worth it. If you've never really experienced it, then you don't know how it's going to shape you as a person.

I feel like I am embarrassing myself by rambling on and on, but these are my thoughts. I will recover, but I honestly miss it, and I would much rather be snuggling in my bunk on the bus, looking forward to waking up in the next city where I can explore and see and learn and perform and GROW as a person; as an artist. I can do that at home, too, but sometimes we have to be taken out of our comfort zone. I got comfortable on the road and I am now uncomfortable back home. (By the way, Charlie's in Yemen and he won't be home until Friday, hence further discomfort).

FINALLY, I must point you to an amazingly brilliant post, and, might I say, probably my favorite post about parenting. I am not fit to be a parent at this juncture in my life, and that's OK. I think maybe it's that I get frustrated with people who "dumb their lives down" when they have children. They start talking about the Wiggles and diaper brands and "have you seen the latest Disney cartoon? It's really good!" ...when, just a few years ago, they were into thought-provoking, maybe even disturbing films, enjoyed adult conversation, and still had dreams to make something of themselves -- FOR themselves.

Please don't misunderstand - I am not speaking of anyone in particular. I think my annoyance comes from this concept of parenting that I have observed; a conglomeration of experiences of other people's children and their behavior surrounding them.

I totally understand that everyone's experiences are different, and, even overall, I know that having a child changes your life for the better. (I could certainly learn to be less selfish, right?) Too, I know people that have maintained their personality, humor and adult behavior throughout the whole process. I admire EVERYONE who is a parent...obviously I'm not one and nowhere near becoming one. Voluntarily, at least. :)

Anyway, read this. It puts into words what I think all parents try to express, and coming from a father's perspective, it's just so refreshing and honest. And lovely.